Transcendent

Assalamualaikum…

People come, people go and they’ll drift in and out of our life, like characters in a story. When the story finally finished, the characters have told their story and you start up again with a new story, complete with all new characters and events. Then we find our self focusing on the new ones, not the ones from the past. Indeed this is true.

But what if one decide to be alone like me? There are lots of real men out there - men who could fall in love at the drop of a hat. Surely experience that I had says everything. There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. And some are just pathetic; waiting and waiting.

I am thirty-nine now, not too old, but old enough to be lonely. I have something that that kept a distance between me and any woman now. Is it because I am not sure? Well honestly… I am just tired. And sometimes before sleep came, I do wonder if I was destined to be alone forever.

Man and wife were supposed to stay together because they'd made their vows in front of Allah and family. I have no complaints about my path and the places it has taken me; enough complaints actually. But the path I've chosen now is the right one and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Love could be set in motion quickly, but true love needed time to grow into something strong and enduring and when it’s end, it suffers most, it hurt most.

Life, I decided, was for living, not for having, and I wanted to experience every moment that I could. Nothing is ever lost nor can be lost; the body aged, the grey hair, the sickness and ageing, is all part of life. Sometimes our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want.

Well… I gave the best of me and when I lost everything… nothing is the same….

Wassalam.

THE IRON LADY

Assalamualaikum

"Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become your character. And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny. What we think, we become. My father always said that."

Margaret Thatcher

How cool is this words. I watched and it is something that goes straight into my mind thinking that what we think we become. Sometimes in life the experience we have, the journey we go through and all those life we lived, really make us who we are.

So my conclusion is maybe it is time to sit down and really really think who we wanna be or what we might become. Our religion has thought us only but the best. Guidance form prophet Muhammad swa, and blessing form Allah swt will give us the path for a successful life; here or after.

So it is true when Allah says :
“Allah does not burden any soul but to its capacity. For it is what it earns (the good that he does), and against (the evil) it is what it does. "Ya Rabb! do not take us to task if we forget, or we make a mistake; Ya Rabb! and do not lay upon us a burden as you had lain on those before us; Ya Rabb! and do not impose upon us that for which no strength have we. Therefore pardon us; and grant us protection; and be kind to us. You are our Patron; therefore help us over the Unbelieving people." – Surah Al-Baqarah 286; Translated by Zohurul Hoque

The conclusion; we are who we are going to be. Allah has delivered Muhammad to us for guidance to live our life in a proper and better way. The choice of who we would become is entirely up to us. Wallahu hu alam…
Wassalam.

AKASIA

Assalamualaikum

What a Saturday…… I don’t know how could I explain except that work and life it is something I cant pisahkan…. I have time to be alone but yet work at same time….

Anyway I took the opportunity to listen to a song which I think meant so much to the life that I am having now….

So… this is life as I see it…. I am sorry…. But the reality is what it is.

Inikah berakhirnya, hidupku yang ku rasa tidak secantik potret yang terlakar dikaca...

Inikah makna cinta, datangnya berbunga bunga belum dijamah pahitnya jelas terasa.....

Ku renung kisah kita……….
Perbalahan antara erti bersama…….

Airmata dan lelah buat kita berbalah…. Dendam terwujud segala yang indah…. Hilang ............ Hilang……

Dari satu hujung ke satu penghujung berlari …..Tapi hanya makin ku jalani...
Jalan jalan yang sempit sekali….Imbasan warna warni cerita cerita dalam hidup kita.....

Jauhku fikirkan tentang kita tanpa kita…… Sedalam dalam kita mencari jawapan yang sama....

Mungkin berbeza antara jalan yang ditentukan……..Namun ku percaya jika mata ditutup disitu ada cinta....

Berpasangan insan telah dijadikan ….Dalam satu jiwa bakal mewujudkan
Bermusim kegelapan dapat dipinggirkan…Namun kita manusia senang dibutakan...

Menyintai bukan untuk disakiti ……Sejambak bicara harus ditepati....
Carta belaian jiwa dilonjakkan tinggi…..Tak menjunam jatuh menghempas ke bumi...

Kata kata lontaran sekadar ukiran hiasan…..Takkan berbunyi bila bertepuk sebelah tangan...

Setinggi mana tak guna nak dikecapi….Tiada dua satu jiwa tiada erti
Tiada lagi rekaan khayalan mimpi ngeri menyelubungi… Hanya meniti hari meneliti hati...

Wassalam...

THE DESCENDANTS

Assalamualaikum
Al-Fatihah to Ayah, Bapak and Shahira. Have a good weekend
:-)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I saw The Descendent. George Clooney as Mat King with his two daughters Scotie 10 and Alex 17. It is about a man having his wife in coma and forced to become single parents when he finds out that his wife, Elizabeth will never wake up. Life issues all around with family trustee and later finding out that the wife is having an affair with a married man. Good movie.

Anyway in my point of view, it is about a man who trying to make better of his life being busy of work and thinking of the family future, which left him his responsibility as a husband ending up the wife having an affair with a married man.

So today morning when I ran then pergi kubur, I realize that now my concentration is to my daughters. Although they are with their mum and father, as their actual dad, my responsibility to make their life at the best that I can. I will follow Clooney advise “you give your children enough money to do something but not enough to do nothing”.

The movie also reminds me of me. How I love till I have lost. I had drinks and we spoke about a lot of things. I can see that how you have move on. Then I questioned myself, what am I doing here with you? Why am I doing all this? Life should go on. I should think of my kid’s future. I should think of my future. Then suddenly the answer came… it is because my love for you, now and till eternity.

I asked questions for me to know that everything with you is ok. And I did get the answer. You are ok. You are well and you are happy and you know what you want. Since you are looking for a new guy, I wish you will find one and I will pray you find a good one. I have given my all. All that I have till I have none. As for me, I know what I want… I will ask Allah of your hand di hari kebangkitan and apa pun jawapan you that time, saya terima. My heart is sealed; there will be no one after you. As we have spoken, I don’t need any explanation or justification anymore.

Maybe it is time for me to move totally out of love itself. All of the time watching the movie, I can see the conflict that I have in myself. Maybe it is time to say good bye. Goodbye LOML, my love, my friend, my pain, my joy. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Wassalam

THE SONG OF ALL TIME….

Listening to the music and the lyrics excites me. I remembered when I was a boy of 16, my friend Azhan introduce me to this group. Those days LCD player just like state of the art ok and I remember watching this group concert LDC in his house.

I am talking about the one and only….. GnR….. the concert was Appetite for Destruction and G N' R Lies and the famous song, as always, Sweet Child O mine. That time, well everybody wants to become Slash.

And telling you the truth even me.... But only at age of 37 I know how to play this song ha ha ha

Anyway I am now talking about Sweet Child O Mine, like Hotel California, to me, it mean something with deep meaning…. Cool…

Till today 2012.... everybody, you ng and old will remember this song.... how cool is that.

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything was as fresh as the bright blue sky

Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stare too long, I'd probably break down and cry

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I'd hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain

Her hair reminds me of a warm, safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder and the rain to quietly pass me by

Whoa, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Oh, oh, oh, oh, sweet love of mine

Whoa, oh, oh, oh, sweet child o' mine
Ooh, sweet love of mine

Where do we go?
Where do we go now?
Where do we go?

THE RED AND THE PINK

Assalamualaikum….

It’s going to be 39 years of living in this world that belongs to Allah swt. At every moment of my life I bersyurkur for what Allah has been giving me. Life it self.

I believe that Allah’s knows best what is for me… I came to a point where I live to my principle. I cannot change or undo what is done. I cannot change people heart. I cannot change how everything was…. But… I can make better for whatever comes.

The saddest people I've ever met in life are the ones who don't care deeply about anything at all. No love, no passion and no satisfaction, at the end, for these kind of people, happiness is only temporary, because there's nothing to make it last.

How can we live without love…. Call it what you want…. Hindustan ke Tamil ke… I am all about me…. This is me… I know it is a long long shot and I know now that no one can understand about me except me. “Give chance… people do change” I said.

Everyone wanted to believe that endless love was possible. And let me tell you now that it is…. Although I knew that love was messy, just like life. It took turns that people couldn't foresee or even understand, leaving a long trail of regret in its wake. And almost always, those regrets led to the kinds of what if questions that could never be answered.

But all and all…. I am in love and lonely…. It is wrong for me to pray to Allah to take this life away of I am no longer need it anymore. All I want that one person to see how much I have love, how much I have given and the whole truth…..

At the very end, my believe is in my religion-ISLAM and my heart says… Allah knows best.. so to me…. “SAYA REDHA”. Maybe that is the different between us.
Wassalam.

UNTUK ANAK2

Assalamualaikum

Sharing.......

For doa penerang hati for our children...... insya'allah....

1) Baca pada air, diberi minum, dibasuhkan muka dan umbun-umbun.. insya allah.

1.1) Baca Al-Fatihah

1.2) Baca Ayat Kursi

1.3) Baca Ayat 82 Surah Al-Isra

2) At night or anytime when our children asleep... recite Surah Alam Nasyrah and tiup pada umbun- umbun dia.

and lastly...

3) If our children to have exams . Sebelum dia keluar pegangg umbun-umbun dia dan bacalah.

“Allah humma faqi hu fiddin wa alim hu tak will” – Untuk Lelaki
“Allah humma faqihah wa’alim ha tak’ will” – Untuk Perempuan.

Insya’allah.

FOR MY DAUGHTERS :

FAQIHAH, FIRZANAH & AINA ~ ABAH LOVE YOU GUYS....

JUJUR AKU DAYUS

Assalamualaikum.

Hmm hari ni aku nak bercakap pasal cerekarama TV3, sabtu jam 10 malam - 18hb Februari 2012. Masa awal mula2 cerita tu macam bosan sikit pasal sejujurnya kedua2 watak utama tu bukanlah pilihan hatiku. Nora Danish & Beto Kusyairy, anyway aku suka Irma Hasmie, Rozie Rashid dan Hafizuddin. Oh ya… angkat topi untuk Puan Zila Jalil dan anak2. To be honest I did mengikuti perkembangan drama terbitan you all and improving a lot and of course Rohaya Ibrahim the script writer penuh dengan teka teki as always.

Anyway come back to the story. Ia mengisahkan tentang pasangan suami isteri, Edree (Beto) dan Lisa (Nora) yang berkahwin. Lisa agak sosial kehidupannya after kematian ibunya. Seems like the father bagi apa sahaja yang dia nak sampai kan jadi luar kawalan dan liar. Father dia pulak Dato something so… macam give up pada Lisa. Then came Edree yang tersempak terlanggar Lisa and funny… The way the meet pun macam best. Their first love. Cool sangat masa ni for me.

Sambung… after married, Edree ditugaskan untuk ke Jepun sebulan selepas bernikah dan minta Lisa mengikutnya. But she refuses. Selepas lapan tahun keika dalam perjalanan puang ke rumah untuk melepaskan rindu kepada isteri tercinta, Edree ditimpa kemalangan menyebabkan dia koma. This is where the story starts. Bagi siapa yang tengok cerita ni… mesti bengang gila where watak Irma Hasmie (Aishah) datang. This is where orang yang tengok cerita ni secara automatik akan buat rumusan bahawa watak utama ada masalah perempuan lain atau masalah kesihatan (mati pucuk).

Anyway, bila last sekali baru penulis keluarkan hal sebenar. To make it short, Lisa, while Edree went away keluar dengan boyfriend lama dia. Boyfriend dia put drugs into her drinks dan rogol dia lepas tu. At the same time masa tak sedarkan diri kena durgs dan rogol dengan boyfriend dia pun terlantar kat sebelah, Edree came back nak supprise kan his wife… then saw what his saw…. Sakit dan sedihnya Edree sampaikan accident and coma.

The best part for me…. masa dia sedar from coma, the doctor asked him what was the last thing he thinks before the accident, dengan selambanya… ceraikan isteri saya…. Cool……. You know why it is cool… because that much he loves his wife sampai bukan nak marah, nak gaduh, nak bengang, nak ngamuk… just nak lepaskan.

By this time, the story which I believe really-really ubah minda semua orang yang tengok. Anyway… I agreed and really-really understand the watak Edree when he ceraikan Lisa, he told the truth what he saw and how the whole thing happen. Then as always semua orang tergamam. Finally he said… “Cinta saya pada Lisa amat tinggi tapi tidak melebihi cinta saya pada Allah”.

You see that’s the thing… in life ni susah nak cakap. Kalau kita fikir kita ni ditinggalkan sebab2 yang bodoh kita akan merana, hampa, sedih. Well itu semua mainan hati. Rumusan from what I learned from this movie is….. and this based on the movie ya yang mana penulis sendiri terdiri dari kaum Hawa.

Tak kira macam manapun, wanita akan tetap melebihkan hati dan perasaan dalam apa jua tindakan tanpa berfikir dengan teliti dan yakin dan ada masalah terburu-buru. Kesalahan lelaki dilihat secara terang-terangan tanpa membuat penyelidikan atau siasat lebih dahulu. Lelaki pun sama bila hati dah buta, kecewa, mengamuk dan jadi tah apa2.

Penulis, which in my humble opinion cuba melihatkan watak Edree adalah watak lelaki yang beriman which I think all man should have this watak. Wheres pada watak wanita pemikirang yang terburu-buru dan ego yang tinggi. Sayang pada seseorang tak semestinya kita terima apa orang itu buat, which akhirnya Edree lepaskan Lisa after so long conflicting with perassan sendiri sehingga Allah memberi jalan dengan cara berdoa dan bertawakal.

But all and all.. yes… untuk lelaki bila dah terlalu sayang…. Especially first love, mereka akan buta dan hilang pertimbangan sebentar apabila ditinggalkan. But remember this, bila lelaki yang beriman dan bertaqwa pula, dia akan menerima dan redha apa yang berlaku which penulis akhirnya tunjukkan pada drama ini.

Lisa mengaku salahnya bahawa dia tidak patut keluar dengan orang lain setelah menjadi isteri pada Edree dan Edree pula mengaku bahawa dia patut mendengar cerita Lisa dahulu dan menerima takdir Allah swt. Finally they are back together.

The END.

RIMAS

Aku rimas… rimas rimas….
Semua yang aku buat tak betul, semua dah bagi. Tapi tak cukup kan…Yang hanya aku minta layanan sebagai seorang manusia… aku bertanya… aku memperjuangkan…. Apa lagi salah ku….??? Malas…. Rimas…..

Akhirnya aku beri apa yang kau mahukan… KEBEBASAN. Aku cuma mampu mengingatkan.. tak perlu kau melayanku seperti haiwan. Aku manusia… aku manusia…. Aku manusia… yang ada hati dan perasaan.

Hina kau pada ku hanya akal mu yang berfikir aku salah…. Cerminlah diri mu kerana cermin tak pernah menipu….

Sudah… cukup…, aku rimas…. Hidupku adalah hidupku, Hidupmu adalah hidupmu. Selamat tinggal…

Satu hari kau akan toleh kebelakang dan kau akan sedar bahawa Allah swt ada dan seperti aku, yang menerima yang aku ditinggalkan adalah qada’ dan qadarnya.

Lari lari lari
Aku lari tinggalkan semua ini
Untuk mencari- cari..cari
Ketenangan diri

Pergi Pergi Pergi
Engkau pergi dari hidupku ini
Ku tak mahu.. mahu
Engkau hadir dalam diri ini

Keluhan hatiku tak siapa yg tahu
Ku simpan semua sebak di dada
Biar ku yang terluka
Pernahkah kau mengerti caraku memujukmu
Pernahkah kau hargai cara ku mencintai mu

Nafas dan kata dari bibir
Adanya yang dari hati
Mungkin kau tak fahami
Maksud yang tersembunyi
Titisan air mata dari pipi ke bumi
Pernahkah kau peduli tentang diriku ini

Mengapa aku yang terluka
Aku yang merana
Aku yang menahan sisa baki cinta ini
Engkau yang meminta
Aku yang sengsara
Rimas……. Rimas
Aku rimas

Tidak ku sorang….Kecundang…..istana jiwaku goyang
Roboh dan tumbang……Sawan ku lantang…Tidak berpantang
Letupnya siang-siang.. Bukannya alang kepalang
Datangnya perang….Dan bawa ku ke jurang

Pulanglah sayang….Janjiku tatang….Ku hapuskan dalang
Dalangnya sayang…Sayangnya hilang…Hilanglah garang
Garangku terbang melayang….

Terbongkangku… terbang kau..
Terhuyong hayang…..Tak pandang belakang…Terkangkang kilat
Entah di undang…. Ku rapuh semua…Tak bertiang….Janjiku kini kan bertulang

Mengapa aku yang terluka
Aku yang merana
Aku yang menahan sisa baki cinta ini
Engkau yang meminta
Aku yang sengsara
Rimas……. Rimas
Aku rimas

Lari Lari Aku
Lari tinggalkan
Tinggalkan semua ini
Tuk mencari…. Untuk mencari
Ketenangan
Aku pergi tinggalkan
Tinggalkan kau sendiri
Ku pergi
Kini ku pergi
Tinggalkanmu sendiri




Anyway.. today is Friday… as always my routine is to visit my late father and my friend…. Alahmdulillah….

Alfatihah to Hasbullah Bin Shahrom

Alfatihah to Shahira Binti Abd Ghani

Alfatihah to Yom Ahmad Bin Ngah Ahmad ( this was taken when I was visiting him recently)

Bismillahirrahmannirahim,

Ya Allah, cucurilah rahmat dan kesejahteraan keatas junjungan kami Nabi Muhamad s.a.w dalam kerajaanmu yang maha tinggi hingga kehari kiamat.Cucurilah rahmat dan kesejahteraan keatas junjungan kami hingga mempusakai bumi ini berserta orang-orang yang berada diatasnya. Engkaulah Tuhan sebaik-baiknya yang mewarisi.

Ya Allah, wahai Tuhan kami. Jadikanlah dan sampaikanlah serta terimalah pahala segala yang telah kami baca daripada ayat-ayat Al Quran, tahlil perkataan astaghafar, kalimah-kalimah zikir dan juga perkataan-perkataan selawat pada saat yang berkat ini, sebagai hadiah yang sempurna sampainya daripada kami dan sebagai rahmat daripadamuyang mencucurinya, berkat yang meliputi sedekah yang dipersembahkan, yang kami hidang dan hadiahkan kehadrat junjungan kami Nabi Muhamad s.a.w serta isteri-isterinya, kaum keluarganya, sahabat-sahabatnya, pengikut-pengikut dan murid kepada pengikutnya, dari semasa kesemasa hinggalah kehari kiamat.

Ya Allah, wahai Tuhan kami. Jadikanlah pahala seperti pahala yang tersebut tadi dengan ehsan yang berlebih-lebih, kebaikan kepada sekelian roh orang-orang yang dengan sebab mereka itu kami berkumpul disini. * Lebih istimewa lagi kepada roh yang dirahmati Allah, Hasbullah Bin Shahrom, Shahira Binti Abd Ghani & Yom Ahmad Bin Ngah Ahmad, asal-usulnya, anak-cucunya dan setiap orang yang ada hubungan dengannya.

Sampaikanlah ya Allah, pahala bacaan-bacaan seperti yang tersebut itu daripada kami kepada roh-roh mereka dan jadikanlah pahala-pahala bacaan itu sebagai suatu cahaya, menerangi dan bersinar dihadapan mereka. Gandakan ya Allah, akan rahmat dan keredhaanmu kepada kami dan juga roh-roh mereka.

Ya Allah wahai Tuhan kami. Jadikanlah juga pahala-pahala bacaan itu sebagai satu perisai, mengelakkan mereka daripada azab neraka, penyelamat, pendinding dan juga penebus daripada azab neraka.

Ya Allah wahai Tuhan kami. Ampunilah mereka, Kesihanilah mereka, Selamatkanlah mereka serta Maafkanlah mereka.

Ya Allah wahai Tuhan kami. Ampunilah mereka, Kesihanilah mereka, Selamatkanlah mereka serta Maafkanlah mereka.

Ya Allah wahai Tuhan kami. Ampunilah mereka, Kesihanilah mereka, Selamatkanlah mereka serta Maafkanlah mereka.

Ya Allah wahai Tuhan kami. Pindahkanlah mereka itu semuanya daripada kesempitan lubang kubur dan liang lahat Syurga yang kekal abadi, menuju keperlindungan naungan yang berpanjangan, menerima air yang telah sedia bertuang, mendapat buah-buahan yang tiada bersukat, lagi tidak pernah terhenti dan diputuskan. Mendapat tilam yang empuk bersama-sama dengan orang yang Engkau kurniakan kepada mereka itu nikmat-nikmat. Iaitu daripada golongan nabi-nabi, orang-orang yang taat setia, orang-orang yang mati syahid, orang-orang yang soleh, yang kereka itu adalah sebaik-baik teman.

Mohon limpah kurniamu jua ya Allah, Tuhan yang sebaik-baik mengurniakan rahmat. Cucurilah rahmat dan kesejahteraan keatas junjungan kami Nabi Muhamad s.a.w serta keluarga dan sahabat-sahabatnya sekalian.

Sesungguhnya, segala pujian itu adalah bagimu jua ya Allah, Tuhan pentadbir seluruh alam.
Al Fatehah...

ALLURE

Assalamualaikum
Wonder why I wanted to become professional photographer? Well it’s because I was allure to the beauty that Allah swt created. I took some pictures along my journey to find my peace.

For this I want to share that how beautiful life has Allah created it. We don’t need to look further; we just need to look around us. The beauty is everywhere. We just don’t realize it. Sometimes we just don’t care and don’t appreciate.

Enjoy…

PADI OH PADI

Assalamualaikum…

Hmmm I went out last time with Orange just to ease my mind. Came across to a Padi Field. I never saw such beautiful scenery in my life. To be honest, this is my second time seeing the actual Padi Field. Last time when I was very young (compared to my age now ha ha ha). I think I was about 7 or 8, arwah Ayah brought all of us to Kelantan kampong Mek Som during Zahrain engagement. But I was young then, so I do not much appreciated the beauty and scenery of a Padi Field.

However, this time… using of course my cheap Cannon camera, (which I akan beli yang mahal kalau dapat duit banyak ha ha ha) I managed to get some pictures I took from a Padi field. So sharing and trust me… kuasa Allah swt tiada bandingan. Thank you Allah for blessing all human kind.

Well guys I am not a photog kind of guy… but kalau tengok live where I have been lah kan… telling you… memang cantik. Sampai mintak orang kampung ambik gambar I... he he he

Wasslam..

FINAL AND LAST… LIFE GOES ON

Assalamualaikum…

It is all said and done… There is nothing more I need to say. I indeed now have given everything. My all….. In return… I am still accepting what you wanted, FREEDOM.

I want you to know my heart now is shut tight. Nothing will change that. I want you to know, at all of this after 6 years, the person that hurt most is me. I have cried till there is nothing left to cry. I have hurt till my feelings became dead. I thank you for at the very end, you listen to what I have to say and you do understand what I am saying.

You have made your choice. Stick with it. I am telling you now and I am telling the world. You are THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I LOVE YOU. Till eternity I will love you without any doubts. Put in your mind I am dead because my heart is. There is nothing left in me except my feelings towards you. For the best for you and your FREEDOM. Let me be.

I am not Love Of Your Life… soon my doa to you and kids that you meet the one you are looking for….

Wassalam.

THE TRUTH, THE DAY, THE CHANGES & THE END

Assalamualaikum

THE TRUTH
The truth was revealed on a very special moment last Friday. It was shocking. Finally it was made known that it is not me who is not ready. It is she that wants FREEDOM. Funny when the word was said, my heart drop and my mind were blown away back to 2001. The same word even it is not at the same event and moment experienced has made me lost. My heart was beating endlessly. To confirm, I asked…..

“Can you promise me that you come back to me.?”
She answered “ I don’t know”

“Will you fall for another man in the event.?”
She answered clearly “Maybe”

And my last question…
“Is this what you really want”
She answered “ Yes, I have been conducted myself in wifely manner, so I deserve this”

By this time, my heart drops, my hand shivering…. I feel so much pain inside. My mind blown back to 2001. What do I do, I asked myself? How I am facing this? My tear just came out and I started to cry….. I did my very best to control everything. I had to wash my face several time. At the end I control myself well.

My mind wanted to speak, to explain, to tell that I equally give the same but my heart says for the love you have for her…. You let her go.

I sent her back to the house and when she left me, I cried and cried and cried. The truth is this time, the hurt is more. The pain is not imaginable. For it will be written and it will be known that the door is shut. She will get what she wanted. She will get her FREEDOM

THE DAY
I didn’t sleep. I pray in the morning, then, I ran till there is nothing left in me to run. I cried till there is nothing in me to cry. Today is the day that I am shutting my heart forever. There will only be one love and I had that and I intend to keep that.

I asked myself, what do I do now it is all over. The fighting, the sacrifice and everything else in it. The answer is….. one fine day, with Allah’s will, she will realize that how much I have love her….

THE CHANGES
Sometime in life you tend to follow people around you. You don’t think, you just do as if you think that you are doing a right thing. But why must you follow others? I realize that is the wrong move. Allah created us at the best that we are. We don’t need to follow anyone. We don’t need to become anyone else. We don’t need to feel sorry for our self. We don’t need to feel small. We don’t need to be someone else. We are just fine the way we are and the way Allah created us.

In life we learn to accept Qada’ and Qadar Allah. Just wait, it may not happen immediately. Because Allah knows best. I believe the truth of my life will reveal one day and those who think about me otherwise will regret.

Pictures can worth of thousand words they say, but the real thing is what is inside a person heart and the truth shall remain to the person itself.

THE END
She is free to do what she want. My sincere doa that she find the best person for her…… may allah give her guidance. As for me… back to square one…. Free and Easy…… But the different and improvement is….. I know what I want now and I am stronger by myself. As for the form… I am ready… I was ready since JAIS represent NCR in the system. I filled up mine…. It is just you to fill up yours and get it signed… and that is why it is imperative I see you and waited for you….. I do just wish that you can listen to me and what I have to say…..

Wassalam

ARBITRATION

Assalamualaikum

Where do I stand now? Well it’s for me to know. It is my feelings, my thoughts, my needs and what I want. You told for 19 times that you left. I understand and I get that. So we came to agreement that what is done is done. We don’t need to judge each other. Please….
Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. That doesn’t mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you. That is facts.

You have explain yourself clearly to me where your stand on us. Now for the very last time I am telling you I get that. I understand that and I have accepted that. My doa’s to you and kids for good health and prosperous life.

If you ask me why I am still around this will be my answer :- You taught me how to love, you taught me how to live, you taught me how to laugh, you taught me how to cry, but when you left, you forgot to teach me how to forget you and that is why I stay…. And telling you right now… no obligation. You stick with your decision and I will stick to mine.

I may regret the way we ended, but I will never regret what we had.

DYSPHORIA – IT SPEAKS

Assalamualaikum
Do we ever wonder why things have to turn out the way they do? After what I have been trough those years back, I didn't want to get involved with anyone. I didn't have the time or energy, and I wasn't sure that I was ready for it. My concentration on my kids but when I met LOML, little by little, I found myself falling in love again.

Later, one fine day, she left. Leaving me hanging with things that she thinks that is right to her. A continues argument without any solutions, way out or even normal and simple conversation. I tried, I called and tell her my feelings and wanted her to know that I can’t do this. I can’t be left just like that. And even at the very last minute to see her and asked her to take what is asked from me. But her answer is she is busy with kids, and when I called, she was with her true love I guess. And guess what? this happened last week.

At that very moment or shall I say “pada penghulu segala hari”, I find out who I am and what I want, and then I realise that people you've known forever don't see things the way you do. And so I decided to keep the wonderful memories and find strength to move on. Sure, I'll be thinking about her every day. I admit part of me is scared that she will not feel the same way, that she will somehow forget about what we shared and gone trough. But based on this experience, had taught me that even the most precious memories fade with the passage of time. At least to her…..

Today, I'm different now than I was then. At the end of a long love life than I'd been in the beginning. And I'll be different tomorrow than I am today. And what that means is that I will never ever replicate that experience. Even if I went to the same places and met the same people, it would'nt be the same. My experience would'nt be the same. That I promise. Even when I know the past is gone and the future had yet to unfold.

Love is fragile and we're not always its best caretakers. We just muddle through and do the best we can. And hope thing survives against all odds. Everyone wanted the same things. They wanted to feel peace in their hearts, they wanted a life without turmoil, they wanted to be happy in love and no worries. I never stop loving you and I never stopped thinking about you. Pathetic it may sound you are part of me always. Love of my life. And that’s that.

But remember, the door has been shut tight. You did that. You decided that I am out of your life. And you decide that to fall for another man. To you I am dead. Accepted and my heart is closed for any love for only to my family and my kids. You will never understand the meaning of love like I did….. for that, I am sure….
Wassalam.

THE 10 THINGS OF 2012

Assalamualaikum….
Hmmm how shall I start this….??? FWT forward me a Zodiac Sign kind of website. Cool knowing that you are an Aries. As muslim, well… we are not to believe in signs or anything that disregard Islam believes. We or I shall say for me…., I believe in Qada’ dan Qadar which Allah has already decided for us. This believes is one of our Rukun Iman. Then of course the Muhasabah Diri thing. However it is a funny when there are times the Zodiac signs is almost correct about the person personality. Let me share mine….

Libra Deep Inside:
They are also likely to hide or bend their own true feelings in order to bring peace with a group and to make others like them. Sometime this results in them not really knowing what their true feelings are because they are trying to make everyone happy. Other people can see this and Libras have earned themselves a reputation for being indecisive, they simply do not want to hurt anyone's feelings or cause disorder or friction in a situation. This spills over inside the person and many times, Libras have difficulty making decisions. Inside, the Libra is very insecure, they suffer from a lack of self confidence, they are always searching for something to complete them. This is another reason why they are social butterflies, it is an unconscious attempt to find the missing peace through other people. By trying to appease other people all the time, Libras don't really know who they are inside. Libras desperately need love and approval, they will do the favors that people ask and have a hard time saying 'no' or 'I'm too busy' in order to prove how nice they are, this gradually builds up resentment and negative self esteem issues inside. Libra's indecisiveness is caused by fear, their fear that a wrong decision will make everything come crashing down around them and cause turmoil in their lives. Life is not like that and the Libra that acknowledges the fact that life has ups and downs will be less emotionally wound up, not so hard on themselves and as a result, they will be a much happier person.
By: http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/libra.htm

Hmmmm I shall not comment further on the above description but as a Libran, I admit it is true. So maybe it is time for me to take the last sentence seriously and change the perception of myself.
” Life is not like that and the Libra that acknowledges the fact that life has ups and downs will be less emotionally wound up, not so hard on themselves and as a result, they will be a much happier person.”

So I will take the challenge and change I hope…

Anyway, remember when I talk about the Bakawali… well…. Hmm… like I said I am waiting for mine to bloom soon. Alhamdulillah… I have been waiting for 3 years and finally got one. Suka suka suka……

Last night after the kids asleep, I pun duduk luar tengok my bakawali. So it makes me think that I have to change. So first thing first…. I listed the 10 things that I wanna do for myself 2012….

AND THE LIST ARE:--- teng teng teng….
FOR MY SELF
1) Tak nak tinggal Solat waktu dan perbanyak kan solat sunat dan taubat
2) Bayar semua hutang orang dengan kadar yang segera
3) Jaga anak-anak supaya menjadi orang berjaya
4) Belajar ilmu agama semampu yang boleh
5) Terima hakikat hidup sorang dan mati pun sorang

THINGS I WANNA DO
6) Pergi UMRAH
7) Panjat Kinabalu (he he he this looks promising)
8) Dapat Lesen PADI
9) Ride with Orange to North (Perlis)
10) Become professional photographer

MY DOA
“Semoga Allah swt memberi kemudahan pada cita-cita ku ini”
Well… whichever comes first…. Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

MY BAKAWALI

Assalamualaikum

Epiphyllum Anguliger kown as Bakawali, Ric Rac Cactus, Moon Cactus and Queen Of The Night. What is unique about this flower is it will only bloom at midnight.

I have this flower since 1997, actually my late father in-law Tan Sri Yom introduce me to this flower. Alfatihah to him. He said the flower brings luck as like the Chinese believe. Well he believes in the Chinese way. I guess because his background as business man.

The Chinese believes that the flower when bloom will bring luck and sometimes they will put red ribbon at each branches. They will put near to their business place or at home. They also believe that the root will die as when the owner died. Then if the flowers fail to bloom it is a bad luck for them.

Well far different from the Malay, they believe “Bunian” or some Dewa from Kayangan will be near the flower when it starts to bloom. Same as Chinese they also believe that the root will die when the owner die.

I haven’t got a chance to ask the Indian and I am sure that they also have their own believes for this flower.
Well…, I do not have any extraordinary believes, I just admire Allah swt ways in showing his power that can create such kind of life. The flower is so beautiful when it blooms. I have been waiting long time for mine to bloom. Alhamdulillah…. I have one coming. I managed to see one in Kak Ani’s house anyway. I waited 12 midnight and managed to get picture of it.

Cantik dan wangi…. I even stayed near the flowers till 1 am. Having a cigarettes and thinking how nice if I can share this with someone. However the sad part is once it blooms it will die the next day. How sad. Unique but sad and I bersyukur sangat pada Allah menunjukkan kekuasaanya.
Funny part is, looking at the flower and it’s unique way of life makes me think that to people sometimes they believe holding on and hinging in any situation are signs of great strength but like the flower, there are times when it takes much more strength when to let go then doing it. It blooms with beauty and fragrant smells and hanging on till few hours till it has to let go that beauty and smells and die. I learn that life is fair. If you have to let go, you have to let go and no one will ever know what you have to go through in letting go……

MY HEART SPOKE

Assalamualaikum
“I called, because I was concern”
“I asked, because I was worry”
“I help, because it is my responsibility”
“I did all the above, because I am sincere”
What you said in return, I understand. You’re calling the shot…. IT’s Over!!!!!
I get that, but can’t you see that this is me…… the man you should know that loves you more that his life…..
Salam