CAPITULATE

Assalamualaikum

I hate being in position that I have to choose. For me it's nonsense because I am old enough to choose how my life should be. But apparently many said that I may not know what is the best. When you come to a junction, and if you know the way, of course you are going to make the right choice, but being human we are always tend to choose wrong from right. But that is call learning by experience (I see that way). And if it is a wrong choice we learn form it and try to make better.

Few days I have made myself busy with work. There is a lot plan for the future. Plus all of of the above, I have to think about the future. My own family. My daughters for the year coming with big exams and responsibility. I will try to make it better I will try to make good for what I had. For the pass years my story, well, almost the same. Some decisions are made when it was needed. I don't care about consequences. Desperate time calls for desperate measure.

But now things are different. I have my family to think of. When I said my family, it is all about my daughters. Their future. I don't want them to end up like me. The never ending story person. I couldn't' sleep last night. And yes after so much of experience which I am proudly to say that I have tried everything and anything for the past years. I am now capitulate to Allah's will.

Wassalam.

The Decision

Assalamualaikum,

I dont actually know what is going to happen in the future. Apperently I am not old enough to make any decision pertaining to my life. Semua yang saya plan tak menjadi seperti yang saya sangka. Weekend was full. Full with work and family. But I asked myself where am I in this picture. My heart and what I wanted.

I was ask to follow a wish of the one most important person in my life. To be honest, I dont mind at all. But when being instigated by others, yes.... I do mind. Last wishes of "semua kena berpakat adik-beradik" yes I shall follow. But when "sudah-sudahlah Pet, cukup-cukup menunggu benda yang engkau pun tak tahu, ini dia dah o.k dah dengan engkau, balik lah kepangkal jalan, pikir budak-budak, dengar cakap adik-beradik". Yes.. this time I was cought. Worst..."mak tak tahu berapa lama lagi mak hidup, tolonglah Pet".

I came to a point where malas... semalas-malasnya. With Faqihah having important exam next year, what do I do. Funny, the insitigation up to buying cloth, new pants and shoes for the events. Helped by my x on the sizes. And for a person that knows me for 7 years, she did got it right. Should I say well done? Yes I should.

However, last night I hit Faqihah because of attitude. But to be honest, I did that because I was stressed. I know I shouldnt hit her. Faqihah, abah sorry. I shouldnt let it out to you. I promise things will be o.k in 2011. And I am sorry to Firzanah and Aina for scholding both of you last night.

Now as at today I am alone. A decision will be made for me and my daughters. For our happiness. I told myself that I will never ever be stressed anymore. It's my time. Mine and my kids. For this someone will get hurt. But for this also I know that my daughters and mother will be happy.

To those.... I am sorry.

Wassalam.

MY FEELINGS

Assalamualaikum,

It has been 3 days I am not well. Came back form 2 weeks training, attended the wedding (still working then), the Australia trip (one night in Darwin) and now, with the equipments and bull distribution. Counted the days, it has been 6 weeks that I have not really-really have a good solid rest.

But above all, at every moment, what makes me tired is that I am still alone. I have been doing things alone. I have the LOML, but we are still not together. It is different if you have someone and you do not have someone. This is not a sad story by the way. It is just my feelings that goung trough my fingers up to the blog.

At times, I just wish the event on Hari Raya Aidiladha came through. All I wanted is to settle down. Having someone to take care of me and my kids. I did wrote earlier that it is nice to have someone to have dinner with, to talk about things and to be together sharing the love we have for one another. Like I said.... able to have someone that smile and happy to see you when everytime you reached home is a lift of burden on the shoulder.

Now. Honestly I dont know how long I can last. How further I can hope... Do I give up? Yes I do. But what keeps me going is my believe that one day, I will be with the love of my life. I will have a happy ending. Till then the acceptance of lonliness is bitter. It's going to be the 6th year. And to the new year... I shall continue pray to Allah thet he will give his consent. For now,.... I am alone......

Wassalam.

TODAY.. about something and hoping

Assalamualaikum.

Today I really hope will be a good day.

I have to explain to my mum about something...
I have to explain to my partner about something...
I have to sort things out with my clients about something...

I hope that Allah's makes things easier for me today...
I hope that Allah's give me Rahmat & Nikmat....
I hope that Allah's forgive all my sins and my daughters sins...
I hope that Allah's give me strength to survive the day....

Insya'allah....

Wassalam...